How to Make the Marriage Work When Your Spouse is Disabled
Posted: Sunday, March 07, 2010
by Mark Parsec
Wordcasters
Marriage has been defined as the union of two hearts til death they do part. And, like most partnerships, a marriage will have its share of ups and downs, its good times and its bad, happy times and sad. Yet, most specifically, marriage will provide the partners rewards commensurate with the amount of hard work, dedication, self-sacrifice and commitment that both individuals are willing to put into it.
BUT and you know what "but" means: disregard everything I just said. But what do you do when your spouse becomes sick or disabled?
Illness and disability account for a disproportionate amount of separations and divorces in marriages in the US. There is no doubt that in addition to all the other obstacles and challenges that those in wedded bliss must face, a serious disability can pose a hurdle that some find difficult to overcome.
So, how do you make your marriage work when your spouse has a long-term disability?
Many people have asked themselves this question. Some people never find the answer. Yet, many, although not all, may have briefly encountered the key to solving this dilemma on the day of their marriage. You see many husbands and wives made specific wedding vows, which they somehow seem to forget over time, vows that are significant marriage savers. Let's briefly take a look at some of these:
-To have and to hold from this day forward as your lawfully wedded husband/wife.
-For better or for worse
- In sickness and in health
-In poverty as in wealth
-To love and to honor, to cherish and protect until death you do part.
Now this may seem complicated to some, but the vow really breaks down into one simple word commitment. No doubt, sickness brings a huge burden to any marriage. However, the whole idea of marriage is the security that is offered by virtue of the commitment. Hard work or no work, sacrifice or compromise, the idea is for two people to grow old together.
There is one area which most couples struggle with when a disability enters into the picture. EVERYTHING! Because everything changes, your ideas of "quality" time, the way you communicate, what you communicate about, your thoughts of equality or shared responsibilities, how you spend your time or your money... In essence, every aspect of the marriage may be impacted by a long-term disability of one of the spouses, with the exception of one commitment, and THAT is entirely up to you.
If the marriage is to survive the challenges and obstacles that a long-term disability will bring into the relationship then the healthier individual MUST make a commitment to prioritize the needs of their spouse. Once upon a time they had a name for this quality it was called true love!
Illness and disability account for a disproportionate amount of separations and divorces in marriages in the US. There is no doubt that in addition to all the other obstacles and challenges that those in wedded bliss must face, a serious disability can pose a hurdle that some find difficult to overcome.
So, how do you make your marriage work when your spouse has a long-term disability?
Many people have asked themselves this question. Some people never find the answer. Yet, many, although not all, may have briefly encountered the key to solving this dilemma on the day of their marriage. You see many husbands and wives made specific wedding vows, which they somehow seem to forget over time, vows that are significant marriage savers. Let's briefly take a look at some of these:
-To have and to hold from this day forward as your lawfully wedded husband/wife.
-For better or for worse
- In sickness and in health
-In poverty as in wealth
-To love and to honor, to cherish and protect until death you do part.
Now this may seem complicated to some, but the vow really breaks down into one simple word commitment. No doubt, sickness brings a huge burden to any marriage. However, the whole idea of marriage is the security that is offered by virtue of the commitment. Hard work or no work, sacrifice or compromise, the idea is for two people to grow old together.
There is one area which most couples struggle with when a disability enters into the picture. EVERYTHING! Because everything changes, your ideas of "quality" time, the way you communicate, what you communicate about, your thoughts of equality or shared responsibilities, how you spend your time or your money... In essence, every aspect of the marriage may be impacted by a long-term disability of one of the spouses, with the exception of one commitment, and THAT is entirely up to you.
If the marriage is to survive the challenges and obstacles that a long-term disability will bring into the relationship then the healthier individual MUST make a commitment to prioritize the needs of their spouse. Once upon a time they had a name for this quality it was called true love!
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More commentsThank you for showing me true love Mark. I know it must be hard with my disabilities.Love you,MichelleHi Michelle,I have learned what true love is with you and every day I thank God for you being in my life. I GET to do these things today!Love you,Mark
AMEN! Love entails commitment and working together, being on the same team. Well put, Mark!Hi Marijo,Good to hear from you my friend. I am glad that you enjoyed the article.Blessings to you!Mark
My parents will be married 60 years this coming June. They have never let each other down and are a wonderful example of how a marriage should be through all life's trials. Nice article MarkHi Terri,What a wonderful example of true love!God bless you and your parents too!Mark
As someone who has practiced disability law for over 20 years, I have seen many instances in which a person's disability has interfered with his/her personal relationships, especially his/her marriage. But in my mind, two is better than one, and marriage is all about teamwork and toughing it out together. Thanks for the article.Hi Jon,Thanks for your comments.Mark
god is not in my life, my wife is. We struggle. I have given up all chances of work to care for my wife who still resists the disability and my help. I am a 'control freak', I don't let her do this, I don't let her do that...... The fact is when she has a good day she does as much as she can, starting this , starting that and then for the following days I have to pick up the pieces. We are chalk and cheese and married for thirty years. Half of it with my wife ill. I believe in the marriage vows. I am committed, but how do I get my wife to accept that what I do is all I canHi Bob,I understand your frustration. You've made it 30 years... hang in there.Mark
Hi Mark, I enjoyed this article. I became suddenly disabled through viral encephaplitis in October 2007..as a result my marriage fell apart through abuse when my wife couldn't handle my disability. You can read a poem I wrote about it on my site called Cutting Words Have the Power To Destroy.....words of Encouragement Will Reverse the Trend.Hi Craig,Thank you for your comments. It sound like you have gone through the struggle and come out the other end. Keep up the positive attitude and may God bless you.Mark
It is true that marriage is the union of two hearts and true love do not demand any sepration from the life partner on his illness and disability. Rather, it became more invoked in such a situation. In such a situation, they argued and live a happy life by becoming a supporting partner in life.Those who consider life partner as an object of pleasure, continue to change partners in life who are not sick or disabled and to continue to live a sad and dissatisfied with the perceived pursuit of happiness. Because true love is the state of mind and not in physical objects or perceived happiness. Thank you for sharing views on the heart touching situation in human life.Hi G.S.,Thank you for your comments.Mark
Hello, I ran across your article and loved it! My husband is disabled and you are absolutely right, EVERYTHING changes! We found information that the divorce rate among couples in this situation can be as much as 75% which totally amazed both of us. We have recently started a website including a weekly blog to help encourage others going thru the same situation as we are. We believe that we learn from our experiences and we help others by sharing them. Please feel free to pass on the information to anyone you feel may benefit, our web address is RealLifeWithDisability dot com Thank you for your encouraging article!Hi Verletta,
Thank you for comments. I hope others find Real Life With Disability to be a wonderful resource.
God bless you,
Mark
I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot agree with a few things you state. When people are getting married, they have rose-colored glasses on, as they're in the most blissful period of their relationship, so when they say "in sickness and in health", they're thinking "oh sweetie, when you have the flu, I promise I will bring you chicken noodle soup". When they are standing there at the altar, I promise you that they are NOT thinking "if you come down with a chronic illness when we are still young, I promise to help you pee and change your soiled pants if needed for the next 40 years of our lives". Also, you say that "the healthier individual MUST make a commitment to prioritize the needs of their spouse". WHY? Why does that person need to downgrade their own needs? If the two people's needs conflict, well, despite true love, then the healthier person has the option of prioritizing his/her own life because the chronic illness is already bringing one person down into a black hole. It shouldn't have to drag two people's lives down.Sounds pretty selfish to me.I kind of agree with your statement about when people get married there seeing through rose colored glasses for the most part. But to your question as why should the person who is healthy have to take on most of the hard work like paying bills, is because you do truely love that person. One thing for sure is when a couple gets married and one of them ends up disabled to the point that they can't work, not to mention not being able to do the things you liked to do together, for an example go bowling or any thing physical, you will find out quickly if this is true love or not. Because if its true love you do what you have to do. I'm married to the same man for 17 years and we have lived together for 23 years not countting all the years of dateing. My husband is lucky hes not in a wheel chair, hes had 3 major back surgeries in the last ten years. I'm talking titainium bar going down the lengh of his back 2 metel cages, nuts and bolts, and bone taken from his hips and fused. He got hurt at a young age, and this has changed our lives. I'm the bread winner and it really sucks when you work and can't spend any thing on your self. And its not just the money but its the little stuff that we use to do together that we can't any more. Like fishing, bowling, campping. Any thing physical, and we both loved doing things like that. I can asure you that if I wasn't in love with this man, I would have been gone a long time ago. But even after all the years we have been together I love him more every day and I would do it again if I had to. So I really don't think you have ever been in true love. Because if you were, you wouldn't think twice about doing what ever you had to do. I hope you find that true love .
Mark thanks for this insightful article! It supports the very same thing that I write to my readers about how to survive and even thrive in their marriages, when all is not well or even when the "WORSE" part happens. Commitment really is the foundation for marriages and indeed all worthwhile relationships. Isn't it?
Wonderful article!
Yvonne FinnThank you, Yvonne. Some people just don't understand the self-sacrifice that comes when one is committed in a relationship. Thank you for your comments.
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