Marriage Problems - How To Stop Arguing
Posted: Tuesday, August 05, 2008
by Mark Parsec
Wordcasters
I have seen it over and over again; a husband and wife that obviously love one another but they just aren't getting along. No, that's an understatement. They are flat out arguing and fighting with one another. In fact, they don't seem to be able to carry on a simple conversation without the heavy artillery coming out. The next thing you know tempers are flaring, voices are being raised, doors are being slammed and both individuals are left wondering… What happened?
There are a few key reasons why husbands and wives argue that are common in most marriages. Of course, most people could name the "things" that couples argue about, with finances usually at the top of the list, followed almost directly by sex, children and household responsibilities. But, these are the "things" that they argue about and not the reason that they argue.The number one reason why husbands and wives argue is because there has been a breakdown in communication. Well, this is obvious, right? Perhaps. But, let's take a closer look at exactly how this communication breakdown takes place and what can be done about it.
Expectations
Expectations are the anticipated behaviors husbands and wives hope to see from their spouse. These generally include a predetermined condition or result. Examples of this type of thinking include:
"If my husband loved me he would pay all of the bills, clean the house and polish my nails.""If my wife loved me she would have sex in the morning, at lunch, and in the evening."
Unfortunately, expectations are all too often unrealistic. One of my favorite sayings, that my wife taught me by the way, is "Expectations are premeditated resentments." And this is absolutely true when we have unrealistic expectations of our spouses.
So, how do we avoid the problems that arise from having unrealistic expectations of our spouses? Well, the answer is quite simple… Get Real! We have to remember that our partners are only human, they make mistakes, they are going to let us down at times. Allowing them to be human is not only a huge relief to them, but to us also, as we learn to practice patience, mercy and forgiveness.
Values
What kinds of values are important in the relationship? Here is a brief list of just some:
Time
Work
Status
Sexual
Spiritual
Affection
Financial
Socializing
Friendships
Conversation
Entertainment
It is important for couples to identify and understand the values of their partners. When couples are willing to respect and validate one another's values arguments may be minimized.
Language
To help couples avoid arguments they need to be thoughtful and considerate about how they use their language. They should be consistent in the meaning and application of the words of endearment they choose. They should avoid butchering or misapplying this special language. And, of course, they should always refrain from speaking in a derogatory manner towards one another. Instead of saying something ugly or hurtful take a break, cry, or go for a walk. Save it for a time when you don't feel so emotionally charged.
Intimacy
Unfortunately, intimacy is terribly misunderstood by a large portion of the male population in our culture. Sadly, men often equate intimacy with sex, and this is just not the case. When true intimacy is present individuals feel safe talking about their feelings, their hopes, dreams and fears. Intimacy allows transparency between individuals allowing them to feel comfortable about them selves and able to share and talk. When intimacy is missing arguments escalate. Increase the intimacy and arguments will diminish.
Touching
It is truly sad that so many married couples avoid physical contact as much as they do. It is not always the spoken word that is needed, but the soft touch. Unfortunately, many men often think that physical contact between a man and a woman must inevitably lead to sex. As time passes in a relationship and the man learns that this is not always the case he has a tendency to avoid physical contact to prevent himself from becoming sexually aroused.
Physical contact, good touching, is an essential part of a healthy life for everyone. Couples need to take the time to validate one another through those unspoken words that are conveyed when the other partner is receptive towards them. A soft caress of the hand, shoulder or cheek can often disarm a communication breakdown.Arguing is a Choice
Remember friends, when those arguments do pop up that they really don't have to. You don't have to argue with your spouse. You can choose to talk things out in an adult and civil way when both of you are willing and able to do so. Finally, try praying together or for one another. Give God a chance to help you when you can't seem to help yourselves.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)So Mark, can we stop arguing now? LOL.Let's not forget to mention that calling your spouse by their proper name instead of using "a term of endearment" is a good way to keep the term in it's original state. Especially if there is a disagreement between the two.With love :-)Why thank you, angel. I appreciate your most insightful comments.
HI Mark,Your article makes me think about my earlier years of marriage and how much as a couple we have grown more and more in love with each other.You are correct in your assessment of how we must treat each other in order to keep the love alive in a marriage (& the peace).I've come a long ways in not arguing with my husband and throwing at him the most hurtful things that lurk in the back of my mind when I am mad. I've almost lost him on a couple of different occasions, and it's made re-evaluate the way I treat him, especially when I am angry. We've been married almost 17 wonderful years now. There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me that he loves me, or says I'm so lucky that your my wife or your the woman I want to be married to the rest of my life. I love to sit with him in the evening and just lay my head in his lap, most of the time I fall asleep and he has to gently wake me up and tell me that our bed is calling my name.Most people who meet us for the first time will ask if we are newly weds, due to how we are with each other; in public and in private. We hug, hold hands, or I sit almost in his lap, and this is all the time. I love my time with him and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have found such a wonderful man. Most of all we laugh, a lot together.But, it has taken a few years to learn how to control my tongue when I am angry, not spew out hurtful words that will cut him to the wick. I honestly pains me to hurt him in anyway now. He's the love of my life and his feelings mean a lot to me.Thanks for your article. Makes me realize that there are other areas that I can work on in our relationship.Hello, Angie from Lodi. I am so happy to hear that your relationship with your husband has improved so much over the years. You must have one very special guy. And it sounds like he is very blessed to have you too! It sounds like you are both doing all the right things. Thanks for your comments. Hey, when are you going to post YOUR article on SearchWarp? God bless you always.how do you respond to your spouse when he says he loves you but in the prior sentence tells your he can't & doesn't want to be around your when he isn't drinking let alone drinking.... i have been holding my tongue even though when he says I LOVE YOU ......I ANT TO SAY YEAH RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET PAST THAT WITH OUT ANY EFFORT ON HIS PART TO SAY SORRY.... I END UP SAYING SORRY I MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY.... WAY TO GO FOR YOU....THATS GREAT.... ALICEDear Alice,It is important to remember that you are NOT responsible for your spouses feelings. If your partner has a drinking problem it is imperative that he seek help. You cannot make him get help, but you can do everything in your power not to enable his drinking by making life any easier for him. Keep praying for him.I came across this article by searching for ways to stop arguing w/ my bf. We are both adults and wish to have a future together. However, I am the guilty culprit. I grew up where my parents were always fighting. I never knew the fair way to have a disagreement. My past relationships failed mainly due to my irrational behavior. Now, I'm in a position where history will repeat itself if I don't make effective changes. My current bf is unlike anyone I've met. However, he has said that he cannot stay in this relationship if I don't learn how to control my emotions and my hurtful ways of handling things when I'm upset. I'm afraid of losing him. He told me that he hasn't thrown in the towel bc he doesn't want to walk away just yet. So obviously, I'm fortunate that he is willing to give us a chance. I'm trying. Your story and this article has given me hope. I truly believe that if we can overcome this, we will be able to look back and see that we made the right choice. Thank you. I know this post was quite awhile ago but I just wanted to say, thank you.
I LOVE YOUR COMMENT FOR Alice I hope it helps her situation. I Had a problem very similar that i've learned to control by first controling myself, and later on down the line my husband has learned to help himself. I've learned the more you nag the worse the problem gets. In due time men will change on their own especially if they love you, and they're afraid of losing you. My suggestion is to be patient and stick by their side thanks, and God Bless You!
I really loved your comment Mark. I have been going thru this in my second marriage and want it to stop! I love my husband and usually have the best time together when there isnt a fight. But it seems any little thing gets in the way. We've tried talking and promising we will try to take things a better way, but i still think he's not listening to what im saying and he thinks i dont change..so we're back and forth on who's fault it is or seeing whos the one that has to change. I want to be heard, and I want to listen. It feels like its so easy when the problem isnt there but when im in the middle of the problem i just go on. We've both say we want to just give up but in reality we don't. Please help if it means i have to be the one to change how can i do it? what do i do when it seems like a fight is coming out of what we are talking about it? how can i avoid it?Thank you!Hi Anonymous,It is difficult for me to give you advice on your situation because I am not familiar with all of the circumstances. However, an experience I had as a young man taught me something that has helped me immensely through the years...I had been dating a woman for a few years. One day we had a terrible argument and I said, "YOU make ME sooo angry!"Her response was priceless. She said, "I am not responsible for YOUR feelings. Only YOU can make YOU angry."HmmmThink about it. In the meantime try not to engage in the arguments and accept your partner warts and all.Best wishes,Mark
I have been saying this. So how do I get my husband to see things that way!Hi Rose,
You can't get your husband to "see" anything. He must seem them for himself. You can only be an example of how those things work. My prayers are with you.
God bless you,
Mark
My husband and I are fighting a lot right now. I want affection on occasion and for him to listen to my feelings and feel that they are important. He wants...I don't know what he wants because he seems to have real problems communicating. He bottles things up. We have some trust issues in our marriage due to his cheating in the past.
I want so very much for our marriage to work and for both of us to be happy, I just don't know how to make that happen. The arguing has to stop and I'm trying hard to do my part to walk away or choose not to engage when things get heated. It just seems as if he can't stop being angry with me for whatever I did. He says he loves me and wants to be with me....and then says he's not sure what he wants. The back and forth is heartbreaking. Please help.I am so sorry to hear about all of the arguing between you and your husband. It can be a terrible thing to endure.
I would suggest that you NOT engage in the arguing. When he loses his cool, let him blow his hot air and then when he is done ask him, "Do you feel better now?"
I would encourage you to take the time to review what it is that you may be doing that is making him so angry. But, chances are that he is looking for anything as an excuse to dump on you. This generally indicates guilt on his part.
Do not accomodate his arguing, quietly stand your ground. You are not a door mat. You are a valuable individual and your feelings are just as valid as his. BUT... you are not responsible for his feelings and he is not responsible for yours.
PRAY
Well done. I look forward to a time when I'll be able to relax around my wife again. After 15 years of marriage, we argue so much more often now.
You had me up until your last two lines. You talk about "getting real" and they you bring up an imaginary figure to help solve problems,Maybe that is exactly what your problem is, Mark L.. Jesus is not an imaginary figure. He is an historical figure. Try him!
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