Is It OK To Lust After My Wife?
Posted: Tuesday, July 08, 2008
by Mark Parsec
Wordcasters
As a pastor whom has been called upon to provide biblical counseling to people through the years I am still frequently amused by the questions that are brought my way. Such was the case when I was recently approached by a young couple that I have been counseling for some five years now. And after hearing the young man's question it occurred to me that there are probably numerous husbands that have asked the same question. "Is it OK to lust after my wife?"
If we think of lust as the desire to share sexual intimacy with our spouse, the woman that we love, our partner and our friend... then there is no sin involved. However, if we think of lust as the freedom to exploit our spouse, if we think of them as just physical objects and fail to take into consideration their feelings and desires, then it is sin.
The problem frequently arises when the husband is filled with a desire to have sex with his wife but she is not in the mood. If the man persists, against his wife's objections, then he may reduce his wife into thinking that she is nothing more than a whore or a cheap lay. It is the mutual desire for one another that ignites the spark of passion.
In any event, if we think of "lust" for one's wife as the desire to express love through sexual intercourse, then it is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Neither should the wife provoke feelings of guilt in her husband because of his desire for her.
But, what does the Bible say about these things?
The Book of Proverbs gives us a perfect example of the difference between healthy sexual desire for one's wife and lust...
Proverbs 5:18-20 (NIV)
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer-
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?
Solomon, the author of Proverbs, encourages the husband to direct his "lust" towards his wife when he says "may her breasts satisfy you always". Not sometimes... not once in a while... but always. The husband should find delight in the physical desirability of his wife. Solomon also draws a distinct connection between sex and love with the words, "May you ever be captivated by her love."
Solomon, further delineates between the appropriate sexual desire a husband should have for his wife and the inappropriate lust for another man's wife. The sexual desire is essentially the same, however it is the conscious direction of that desire that differentiates between what is right and what is wrong, between what is sin and what is not sin.
Solomon had much more to say about love, desire and sex, and he wrote about it in what is perhaps the most romantic, passionate and graphic description of desire from antiquity, the Song of Solomon...
Song of Solomon 7:6-8 (NIV)
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,O love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit. 8 I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
Does this sound like there is just a little desire going on? You betcha! The groom in this story is, to use a modern expression, lusting after the bride. He wants her. He wants to have her. He wants to make love to her. He doesn't want to just climb a palm tree. This intense desire that the man has for the woman is not only normal, it is biblical. It is part of God's plan for a husband and a wife.
Solomon uses even more expressive metaphorical language throughout the Song of Solomon that can leave no doubt but that these two lovers had a burning desire to consummate their relationship. This desire is not something that is to be snuffed out after the honeymoon. The desire and romance should be nurtured and pursued and appreciated.
As husband and wife two individuals belong to one another. Their "lust" for one another is not only permissible but helpful to sustaining a long and happy relationship. The Apostle Paul addresses this issue when he states in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NIV):
4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The key to controlling "lust", according to Paul, is the understanding that a husband and wife belong to one another. They each put the other person first. Making love is a matter of mutual desire, as is the decision to refrain from sexual intercourse. Yet, there is also the understanding that abstinence may cause temptation to your partner, and this can only happen when one partner does not make any effort to fulfill the needs of the other.
So, is it OK for a man to "lust" for his wife? Yes... when she "lusts" for him right back!
© Mark Parsec
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More commentsGood article, i was reading it in a serious interested manner, though i had to laugh when i read the part "He doesn't want to just climb a palm tree."i learned that it is ok to lust after one's own partner that one is married to, as long as both feel the same.what about a single person? is it ok for a single person to lust after another single person? seems like the answer may be no,if no, then how does one get to the point of being married?am i at all correct when i say "it is ok to be attracted to a lady but don't let that attraction lead you into thinking thoughts of sexual acts?" so you can be attracted to a lady physically and or emotionally and or spiritually, and if the feeling is mutual you become partners and possibly marry which is the best thing to do if you stay together?
didn't solomon have a thousand wives? you argue lust is ok as long as its with one spouse and the one you love, but solomon had 1000 wives, the man practically wrote the book on lust so I dont think hes a good authoirty on the subject, unless polygamy is not a factor of lust
What if you're not married but you love that person? is it still sin because you're not married?
Yes it is forincation if you are not married. I would get married if you are having sex.
Is it okay for your wife to deprive you of sex for any length of time? If it is okay how do you deal with it if you have a high sex drive(daily need)? If it is not okay for your wife to deprive you how are you going to communicate this to your wife without her or both of you getting angry about it because one person is suffering the other is not?Very tricky friend. If you used to have a good sexual relationship, then there has to be a reason in her mind for not having sex, or wanting it any longer. If you have a very high sex drive and you don't want to be unfaithful to your wife, your only option is masturbation until the both of you work through this. The only way to get to source of the problem is by simply discussing it. She will have no logical reason to get mad at you if you just sit down with her and say "honey, we need to talk...I feel like we have been drifting apart a bit...I just don't feel the same closeness with you I used to feel...I miss it very much, and I'm sure you've noticed too. Do not make her feel like the conversation is just about sex...but about the closeness and the passionate bond that is created by intimacy. Carry on your conversation like this, and you can't go wrong if she is truly a quality woman. Best of luck to you...
Lust, by definition in biblical terms is wanting something you don't have in a very emotional way. It is impossible to lust after your own wife, unless she will not let you have access to her body, and if that were the case...what would be the point of being married. It is not a sin to have sex with someone when you are not married. At the time the bible was written there was no reliable birth control. All families gave their wealth and possessions to their first born son. Population control was also an issue. If married people are the only ones to have children, it will be less likely the population will out grow its resources. Crime was also an issue. At the time children born without fathers would tend to be very poor and would often resort to a life of begging and stealing. These are just a few reasons the bible wanted people to think it was a sin to have sex without marriage. People must come to understand that the bible was written to help people deal with social and spiritual issues of THEIR time, not our modern times. There is nothing wrong with a nomarried couple having sex if they are monogamous and love each other.I dissagree with this comment. When two people are having sex they are either making a commitment or using each other. Quite often the female gets the raw end of this deal. It may look manogamous in the beginning and then the woman gets pregnant and it's easier to walk away. If you are in a manogamous relationship any reason you have for not getting married is either based on keeping your options open or fear. They are all still excuses for not having to realy work at a relationship when it gets tough. Marriage is work. Raising kids is work. Having sex is child's play. Making love is for married adults who love each other and are strong enough to make the commitment that it takes to get married, raise a family and hold it together. Grow up!!!!
Mark, thank you for your insightful sermon. I now have a fuller understanding of this question.
As with everything else, there is so much more to this. It means seeing your spouse as a full person, along WITH the sex. I know that I have often failed at doing this and just see my wife as a way of release. Then this would be a sin.
Keep up the GREAT work and praise God for your ministry.Thank you Tony!I am glad that you found encouragment in this article. Love your wife, bless your wife and be happy!In Christ,Mark
So with all of this being said, is it ok to masterbate to your wife?Anonymous,Well, let me ask you a question. Why would it be wrong to do so?
I was wondering becuase I am away from my wife for some time. To me, I am not too sure. Sure I am not lusting or thinking of another woman except for my wife....but....is it considered wrong to your body? Making love to your wife is ok, but since it is not with your wife, is it ok? With your wife is how it is supposed to be, but without your wife, does that make it wrong in God's eyes?Hi Anonymous,I have written another topic on this very subject which you might find to be very interesting. Please read, Is Masturbation a Sin? by Mark Parsec at SearchWarp.Mark
Hi i really wanted to know if lust after your wife is a sin, because we doesn't have sex in awhile and i really want to release so i lust after her. But the problem for me is, I want to know if its a sin because i love GOD and i don't want to disobey him,so please help me.Hi Jermaine,
You need to consider why it is that you aren't having sex. Are you married? Is she sick or disabled? Have you talked to her to see what you can do differently? If she is your wife, your desire for her is normal and healthy, and not a sin.
God bless you,
Mark
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